I'm just a dad and my kids are a nightmare
by Mariano's-twins
Summary: AU. 3 years after DH. Harry's diary through fatherhood and...grandfatherhood, if that exists. Wall headbanging, mustaches of Uncle Freds portrait, sarcasm and very, erm, creative children. Harry's faced a darklord is he ready to face his own kids?
1. year one, kid one

**I'm just a dad and my kids are a nightmare**

**Summary: **Starts 3 years after the end of the book! Harry's jornal through fatherhood and...grandfatherhood...if that exists. WARNINGS: Wall head-banging, mustaches of Uncle freds portrait, sarcastic comments and very...erm...creative children. Harry's faced a dark lord, is he ready to face his kids? Parody, no shit.

**Chapter 1: Year one, kid number one**

**Year 1 January**

**Too...many...inlaws...not...enough...chicken...**

Back from hunnymoon! Ginny's sick, was up all morning with her heaving into the toilet bowl. She was a mess this morning, but now she's happier then usual...curious, very curious. (yes, I quote Olivander! What's the world coming too?) We have moved all of her things from her old flat into Grimmauld place for the time being until we move into Godric's Hollow. We both took a week off work and have decided we would re-do the Cottage in Godric's Hollow intirely, since it is in pieces after all. Ginny's being obsessive about the colours she wants to paint the rooms. She has muggle paint tablettes and everything!

Door bell's going now. We invited the Weasley's for supper (at grimmauld place, not Godric's Hollow!). That includes the Weasley brothers' wives and children.

Why can I hear so many feet going downstaires? I mean, there's a lot of Weasley's, but not _that _many.

I think I just heard Charlie's voice...oh and that's Fleur. Maybe we should have cooked ten chicken instead of two...oh God, the doorbell is going again...make that twenty chickens.

**later that night**

Okay...Charlie, his wife (Andriana) and there three kids (Marcus [1, Klaus [3 and Laura [2) came up from ROMANIA to come to supper! Bill and Fleur came up from Shell Cottage, bringing along their two kids (Molly [1 and Victoire [2). George and his wife (Angelina Johnson, now known as Angelina Weasley) came, as expected, with their two kids (Mimi and Fred [8 months old: twins). Ron came with his wife Hermione. No, the last two are not expecting any children, Ron is still dead scared of kids after Teddy grew a beak instead of a mouth one day while Ron was feeding him. Percy came with his wife Angie-I'm-pregnant-and-very-hormonal-if-you-haven't-noticed.

Supper was intertaining. Mrs.Weasley helped us make a dozen more chickens. Teddy did our intertaining. The little guy had a hair moment, his hair went nuts, and everyone just stared at him as his hair did a light show.

"Can I touch it?" Klaus had asked hopefully.

"What?" Charlie aksed, still staring at Teddy, transfixed.

"the glowing stuff on Teddy's head"

"Dat's moy hawe!" Three year old Teddy said angrily.

"Can I touch it?" Klaus asked again.

"Naw!" Teddy said, angrier this time.

"Please"

"NAW!" Teddy yelled his hair turned bright red as he said it.

"It isn't over till the baby screams" George said. Angelina wacked him across the back of his head.

With Teddy's light show over, we brought in supper. It was good. Soon the kids went into The living room and started playing, something or other. Leaving everyone else just to talk.

Frankly; I would have prefered playing with the kids.

**Year 1 Febuary**

**I'm at St.Mungo's**

I took Ginny to St.Mungo's this morning after another round of barfing at the crack of dawn.

She's not sick...

She pregnant!

I don't know wether to be happy...or cry.

**Year 1 March**

**Little more then "Air"**

Have been avoiding Mrs.Weasley, me and Ginny don't want to tell her: Too scared. We've decided to tell Ron and Hermione. Hermione squealed and asked if she could decorate the nercary and Ron got up for some "Air".

Have sneaking suspicious that Ron is very bad secret keeper.

**Next day**

Ron told Mrs.Weasley, Mrs.Weasley told Everyone, Everyone told Everyone Else and now Everyone else has informed the intire wizarding population that I am indeed going to be a father.

Ron has been banned from Godric's hollow and he is not getting any birthday presents. HA!

**Week later**

Mrs.Weasley has moved in. We are all very scared.

**Year 1 May**

**Mustache...he-he.**

Family is betting money on gender of baby. Damn you George. Portrait-Fred has determined that child shall be a he-she.

Have given Portrait-Fred a rather unattractive mustache.

Mrs.Weasley has been banned from fridge. She ate all Ginny's cabbage (her new food craving) and made it ALL for supper. Ginny is on a rampage. Mrs.Weasley mysteriously dissapeared last night.

Can't blame her.

**Year 1 July**

**Hormones...wheeeeeee**

Ginny is having weird food cravings. She keeps attacking me for the slightest things. Asked Mrs.Weasley what is wrong with her daughter. Her answer "Hormones". She added "They are only going to get worse".

Suddenly I have a need to bang my head off a wall.

**Year 1 September**

**Baby due tommorow**

The nurssary is bright pink.

_someone _wants a niece.

Shall laugh in Hermione's face when it is a boy.

Ginny's hormones are worse then usual.

Shall go find a hard wall and bang head repeatedly.

**Next day**

It's a girl. She's adorable and has BLACK hair. Take THAT Charlie! I have taken Portrait-Fred to Godric's Hollow to prove gender to Fred. Ginny got angry and hit Portrait-Fred across the face for being a prat.

Named Baby girl Shella-Luna.

Luna's the Godmother.

Must go find ice for black eye.

Ginny's got a nice punch.

Damn brothers of hers.

**Year 1 December**

**Christmas eve**

Baby likes milk, Ginny hates breast feeding, says it hurts. I laugh at her in my head, if I do it aloud, she'll have my head on a silver platter for Christmas. Teddy's jealous of Shella-Luna. He now wants baby booties for Christmas. He wants pink ones none the less.

Update on how many christmas presents we bought this year-- 50! 50 FREAKIN' presents! I think I shall go find that wall now.

**Next day**

Mrs.Weasley volunteered mine and Ginny's new and rebuilt house in Godric's hollow as the hosting house of the Christmas day supper for the Weasley and friends clan and co..

The guest list was 10 pages long.

Kill me now.

**A/N: **_This is Atlanta!!!! Thought it would be cool to do a story like this. I think I heard something like this somewhere...not sure where...hmmm, anyways! Hector (my wheelchair. Got in a skateboarding accident) says Hello._

_review's are welcome! Flames are used to make s'mores!_

_love ya_

_Atlanta and Hector-the-wheelchair_


	2. Year two, kid twoalmost

**I'm just a dad and my kids are a nightmare**

**Summary: **Starts 3 years after the end of DH! Harry's journal through fatherhood and...grandfatherhood...if that exists. WARNINGS: Wall head-banging, mustaches of Uncle freds portrait, sarcastic comments and very...erm...creative children. Harry's faced a dark lord, is he ready to face his kids? Parody, no shit.

**Chapter 2 kid number 2**

**Year 2 January**

**Babysitting is a man's job**

Babysitting Shella-Luna. Bit of a whiner, she is. I am quite literally going to strangle something. Teddy is being a very good boy, he has changed his hair colour to blond and is sitting quietly in his room...too quiet actually...it's disturbing...

I checked on him, he was eating my wand. And choking on it. I decided he would stay with me for the rest of the day. I also banned him from ever touching a wand again.

Including Licorice wands.

He didn't take that too well.

**Year 2 Febuary**

**Revenge for "Air"**

Got my revenge on Ron after his little (cough) slip about Ginny's pregnancy.

Ron is now dangling from the ceiling of the ministry for magic's main lobby...In a pink dress. Let us not forget the tiara...or the high heel steletoes...or the lipstick.

Ron is now a star. All over the Daily Prophet. Hermione scolded me and Ginny had a cow laughing. Teddy ate the rest of the lipstick. I think his lips are permanatly red now. Ginny is very upset. Not because of Teddy's lips, because of her BRAND SPANKIN' NEW LIPSTICK! Teddy is very 'sowwy' and has decided to eat her bronzer instead, to make his lips a different colour then Red. Ginny hasn't found out yet.

When she does, I'd be scared. Be afwaid be vawy afwaid!

**Year 2 March**

**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!**

Teddy turned Shella-Luna into a newt today. He stole my wand...again, but this time he used it for the greater good. Shella-Luna had learned her first word. Unfortunatly it is "fuck" which her lovely uncle Portrait-Fred taught her while he was visiting. I'm not allowed to punch Fred (for obvious reasons) so I got to banish him to Ron's flat...He-he, sucker.

Ginny said the banishment was harsh (seeing as EVERY night Ron and Hermione are doing something R rated) and I just smirked and told her what Shella-Luna's new word was.

Fred is going to be at Ron and Hermione's for a long time.

**Year 2 April**

**I am seriously concerned for my wand's health**

Teddy ate the tip off my wand. Fortunatly, I was able to fix it after I fished it out of Teddy's stomach using a spell and a magical fishing rod.

Teddy now has his toung pierced.

**Year 2 May**

**Fred...shall...pay**

Portrait-Fred came over again (he seems to be able to apparate in his frame, dunno how that works) and decided to antagonize McGonagall (who was visiting) by wolf whistling from his frame which he had hidden it and himself behind the sofa (Fred being 'one with the frame' as he puts it). McGonagall was either irritated or terryfied. She went to find me and Ginny. She found us as we were making very innocent tea, we had no intentions on spiking our favourite teacher's tea, now did we? Please, don't mind my sarcasm. Anyways, we gave her her tea and left her in the kitchen.

We discovered Portrait-Fred behind the sofa. I then drew a very amusing and unflattering beard on him with a permanant marker. That'll teach him.

McGonagall went home because she was feeling very "Dizzy" Next morning she called us to see if we could concoct a hang-over potion.

We laughed. Loudly.

**Year 2 June**

**Visitors...yay?**

Luna and Neville are fighting. Luna being Ginny's best friend, came to stay with us in Godric's Hollow. Luna brought two bags. One was full of her clothes, the other, she said, was full of Sprickle Berries AKA the only thing Nargal's eat. I asked if we had any Nargles in my house. She laughed and said "You have an infestation on your hands!" Did I mention that these Berries are invisible and weight nothing?

If you have no imagination (like me and Ginny) then her second bag was completely empty. Yay, I have invisible, none existant Nargle Sprikle Berries all over my house for my Nargle clan to eat.

Teddy thinks Sprikle Berries taste very nice and would like Ginny to make a pie using them.

Ginny made a pie crust to shut him up. Teddy said the srikle Berries are better uncooked. But he and Luna ate every bite.

**Year 2 July**

**Yay, cousin number nine!**

Yes, cousin number nine has been born, Angie-I'm-very-pregnant-and-hormonal-if-you-haven't-noticed has given birth to Percy's son...his name is Greg. But, considering the Weasley's track of late, it shall not be the last Weasley child by a long shot. I even got a Pole!

Weasley's who want 2 or less kids: ZERO

Weasley's who want 3 to 4 kids: 1 (RON!)

Weasley's who want 5 to 7 kids: 3 (PERCY, CHARLIE AND BILL)

Weasley's who want 8 to 10 kids: 1 (GEORGE)

Weasley's who want more then 11 kids: 1 (GINNY)

Weasley's who want paper children: 1 (PORTRAIT-FRED)

Yes, I am married to the Weasley who wants a dozen kids. I have had a daughter for a whole 10 months and already I have had to: Chop off half of my hair because she stuck gum in my hair, go to work with my skin bright green, use a muggle extinguisher to put out my on-fire t-shirt, get up earlier then the neibhorhood rooster, go apologize to the rooster for insultng him by getting up earlier then him, wash my hair 50 times to get pink crayon out of my hair, put barbed wire around Shella-Luna's bed to make sure she can't escape her crib and finally I had to ban Sprikle Berries from Shella-Luna's room.

Sometimes, being a father just doesn't seem worth it. I say this as I attempt to charm my teeth back to their natural colour.

**Year 2 August**

**Guess what?**

Well, firstly: Shella-Luna decided that my hair would be lovely if it were bright bubblegum pink. I have tried everything, but it seems my hair shall be forever pink. Ginny thinks it's quite amusing. Shella-Luna is very pleased with herself. Thankfully my wand is still intaked. Teddy has decided we would have matching hair. May I strangle him? I'll take that silence as a 'no'.

Secondly: I am going to be a dad...again. This is the second child in 2 FREAKIN' YEARS!

I have decided to sleep on the sofa.

It better be a boy this time, dunno what I'd do if it was another girl; I really don't want a pink eyebrow to match my hair.

**Next day**

We are not telling Mrs.Weasley until we have to. Nor shall we be telling Ron. Ginny insists we tell Hermione though.

**One week later**

Everyone knows. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I'M TELLING HERMIONE ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!!!! Hermione went and tattled on us to Ron, and OF COURSE Ron told Mrs.Weasley, who once again told someone who told someone else, who told a publisher for the Daily Prophet.

Well, we're front page news.

Hate you Hermione...I shall have my vengance.

**Year 2 Setember**

**Birthday Party...eep**

Had the whole lot of cousins at Shella-Luna's party. Luna is still living with us. She made most of the decorations actually. ALL the cousins came. Other then Charlie's kids, that is. He decided not to kill us anymore then we had been already.

Dumbeldore took a day off his Vacation in Vegas to join the party. He came wearing the most disturbing hawaiian shirt and some very short shortsthat I believe he foudn int he girls section of Wal-Mart. His beared is now a lovely shade of blue thanks to Shella-Luna. Dumbeldore is attempting to find a counter curse for Shella-Luna's colour crazes. He's stumped.

On a brighter account, my hair was one of the main attractions. I think I almost cried when kids were asking to touch it. I know now how Teddy feels.

New name for Dumbeldore: Blue beard. It's catching on quickly.

Mrs.Weasley has decided not to move in this time. Instead, she's sending Fleur to stay with us. Ginny is very excited. Excuse my evident sarcasm.

**Year 2 October**

**Poor poor Fleur**

Fleur and Ginny are at war. Fleur moved in and all is in an uproar. Ginny has turned Fleur into a pig and refuses to return her to her normal appearance, bloody hormones.

Bill wasn't happy when we sent his wife home in the form of a pig.

**Year 2 November**

**need...vacation...ehhhhhhhhhhhhh**

Shella-Luna can now run, fly on a mini broomstick and she can climb the wardrobe. I had to handcuff her to her crib so she wouldn't climb in the washing machine. Ginny wasn't impressed.

Bill came over and promptly turned Ginny's hair green, one eyebrow yellow the other blue and her stomach purple. He then left. Bill seems to have a death wish, I mean, EVERYONE knows that women have insane hormones when pregnant! Anyways, I don't expect Ginny to take to long on her retaliation.

I need a vacation.

**Year 2 December**

**Christmas Dinner...cry**

Ginny's mental, I have decided I am going to take that auror trip to Canada to find Avery. Thought I wonldn't at first, but now that Shella-Luna has decided she would like to be a boy, she even tried to pee upright, i think it would be a good thing to leave for a bit. Trip starts in January, it's a month. No worries...hopefully.

Had Christmas eve dinner at Shell Cottage. Luna came as well, her and Neville might be getting a divorce. I REALLY hope they don't, I REALLY want her out of my house, she is turning my daughter into a baby guru hippie. Ugh!

Supper was interesting, unattractive beard is still on Portrait-Fred. He is still pissed. Ha. Teddy decided to grow a beak today and eat his food with it. He is now happily chirping.

Ginny has been renamed Ginny-I-am-very-pregnant-and-hormonal-if-you-haven't-noticed. Angie is laughing at me. Damn her.

Shella-Luna levitated her bowl of mush food over the table, it landed on George's head. He's pissed. Not at Shella-Luna, but at ME! Why must I take the blame for the actions of my children? Ugh, gotta run, George has a wand.

**A/N I am rather dissapointed at the lack of reviews for my story. I am depressed now. You must review to get updates! Be forwarned! Okay, hope you liked the chapter, flames are for cooking s'mores, reviews will help me out of depression. Reviews! Please! Or I'll cry!**

**l8er**

**Atlanta**

**PS. though thank you very much to those who DID review. I love you all.**


End file.
